Reviviscence

There was a time when I was young that a friend and I would go out into the woods and play out scenes of a fantasy game, today we’d call it LARPing. I fondly recall these days, they remind me of a simpler time when my biggest worry was that the vacation would end in 3 weeks as opposed to yesterday, when it still was 3 weeks and a day. Today I have more worries, some trivial, such as when to fill the car with gas and that my alarm works properly every morning to go to work. Some worries carry more weight, like my personal health. Then there are worries that are effectively annoyances, whether some idiot would cut me off on my way home from work. All these things will keep me busy until I go for a run.

Throughout my life, I’ve always been held back by fear. Fear of failing, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being insignificant. This fear held me back as a child to do creative things, to find friends, to be myself. Throughout school it held me back to express my identity, to share what I enjoyed. At university, it held me back by making me apologetic to what I thought was important and what bothered me. At work it held me back by not voicing my opinion on issues that had to be resolved. It made me bitter and introverted. It has held me back on writing and sharing what I think and feel. One of key fears is the fear of being ridiculed. This is the most paralyzing fear to me, it kept me small, silent and frustrated.